A Bitter Sweetness

October, 2009 ~ so glad to be out of the hospital and home

Family ski trip

Andrew flies! (Click to enlarge.)

A summer day at the skate park

One of my favorite pictures

December 2008

Andrew and Teddy

 (excerpt from “A Faith that Endures”)
 There are many words I could say today but I’m feeling quiet. Fourteen years ago at 12:58 p.m., Andrew was born to our family. We rejoiced. A few years later as a little boy, he asked Jesus to be His Savior and the Lord of his life. The angels rejoiced! We love him. We miss him. We long to see him. One day we will.
I’m ready.
In the meantime, I’ll just keep sharing the message of the Gospel. Remember, “God loves you and He has a plan for your life.”
And as you walk out the plan, you are not left to do it on your own; Jesus is praying for you.
As always, thank you for your encouragement and prayers these past many months.
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See?

a  photo taken while I sat on my front porch this week
See the spider? You can’t see its web.

Sometimes I wonder what we might see if our eyes were opened to the things of the Spirit.
A few weeks after we received the diagnosis of brain cancer in our young son, Andrew, I wrote some words on a piece of scrap paper. A few months ago while cleaning out my desk, I found the scrap of paper. I tossed it in the trash.

I had lost my confidence. I began to doubt that what I had written meant anything at all. I had clung to those words for nearly 4 months…from diagnosis to death.

When I found them again, I felt mocked.

A few days ago while running my 3.1 miles, those words came back to me. And it was then I “saw” their value. I wish that I could retrieve the paper with the words. Too late for that.

But the words are still with me – written on my heart.

I am a believer in a personal God. A God who loved us too much to leave us alone. A God who was willing to give of Himself to rescue us from destruction. A God who, in a sense, became flesh colored in order to bridge the great divide between Heaven and Earth.

I am a believer in a God who knows intimately of suffering. A God who is well acquainted with our suffering. A God who speaks to us in varied ways.

A few months ago I tossed aside His words spoken to my heart. I doubted whether they were His words to me. I supposed they were just my own.

A few days ago I “heard” the words again. And I knew. And I know. Again I am clinging to the words. They kept me going last year. And they will keep me going. For every morning and every minute, for every step and every mile, I am that much closer to the realization of those words. Words on a scrap of paper tossed away in hurt. Words now drawn on my heart, tattooed for healing.

They are words that pull me from the pain of the past and ache of the present. They are words that draw me toward the freedom of my future.

They are simple yet profound.

“Don’t look at what you see;
See what is coming.”

The apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:12, “For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.”

Ancient mirrors, which were made in Corinth, were made of metal and gave dim reflections, an illustration of our imperfect knowledge during this age. But knowledge will be full and instantaneous in the future state of glory. (footnote in my Bible)

John writes in 1 John 3:2 “Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.”

I threw away the words because I had clung to them as an assurance that Andrew would be healed and live here with us.
And now, of course, Andrew is healed and alive. But he is not with us. There is an ache and a sadness because we long for him. We miss him. We love him.

The other day I submitted to the tattooing of the words on my heart
because now I understand and cling to those words in a different way.
One day, all wrongs will be righted and all promises will be realized.
And so I will no longer look at what I see but I will see what is coming.

And what is coming is truly glorious! We shall live as we were meant to live before sin rocked our world. We shall see clearly. We shall see Him for who He really is and we shall be known for who we really are.

So for now I will walk this path and run my race as best I can with this earthly vision but I’ll be ever on the lookout for a glimpse of what is to come.

A simple shift of my vantage point, and the sun highlights what I could not see before.
See the web now?
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Edited/Rizpah here…

Edited: Treatment with Temodar first then a resting phase followed by the phase 1 study using Avastin, Irinotecan and Temodar.

Yesterday we were all in church together. The Christmas program was wonderful! Our pastor asked our church to be in prayer and fasting for Andrew on December 17.
We pray for a miracle of healing to take place in Andrew’s body.
He told me again this morning that he needs to get better, that he wants to get better.
Amen.

Andrew had his simulation today. That is preparation for radiation. He should be starting within 10 days. They will call.

I think we have decided to go with a phase 1 study being conducted at All Children’s Hospital here in St. Pete.
The combination of drugs has shown some promise. This is a hard decision because the potential side effects are greater than standard protocol. But after lots of research I am leaning toward the phase 1 study. My husband and I are going to give it a few days and pray about the treatment path.

Andrew is going through a lot right now. As you can imagine, this is very hard on a 12 yr. old.
He is on a wait list for physical and occupational therapy. That is very frustrating. We are limited in what we know to do with him as far as improving his function. In the meantime, his left arm dangles at his side and he walks crookedly and slowly. And the left side of his face does not cooperate with his right side.
Heartbreaking.

Meanwhile I am…
Persisting in prayer despite the medical prognosis…BECAUSE of the medical prognosis.
Trying to make these days “normal” for all of our sakes.
Hoping Christmas will bring a miracle for Andrew and many others.
Keeping two words in my mind…BUT GOD.

Prayer requests for Andrew:
healing, of course
improved function on left side
no more headaches
restful sleep at night
hope and happy days
no negative side effects from treatment
a cure

I love you all for your continued prayers and sweet encouragements. God is Good and trustworthy.
“By His stripes, Andrew is healed…”

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Thankful

Andrew made it fine through the surgery yesterday. Thank you for your prayers!
He has been out of it mostly. I think this may be all the morphine he has had since Saturday. But you may find it funny to know he has watched a lot of The Food Network when he is awake. He and I used to snuggle together and watch Emeril years ago. Now he likes Alton Brown. It must be the scientific aspect Alton Brown brings to food!

Hopefully Andrew will be discharged some time tomorrow. Some good friends are fixing Thanksgiving dinner in their home for our other two children and my husband and I will eat with Andrew at the hospital.

We are staying local to do the radiation and chemo. We just can’t leave our children and our support system again. It was too hard on the whole family before.

But I am also still researching alternative treatments to be used in conjunction with traditional protocol. We did not want to have Andrew go through the radiation and chemo because it does not cure this type of cancer and we hated to put him through the side effects to no avail. However, we are hoping it will give us more time.

Andrew’s diagnosis is a GBM stage 4. It is the deadliest brain cancer and very rare in children. We are told there is no cure. BUT GOD.

I keep coming back to that because we know that God heals and we have heard of miracles happening for people who were sent home to die.
We continue to believe, hope, pray and breathe faith. Last week we were at our weariest and, to be honest, I thought I was near a break down at any moment. Sleep deprivation is a bad thing.

I am still praying for so many of you that have requested prayer. I don’t have all the answers but I do have my faith and trust in a good God. I pray and believe because His Word tells me to. I persist because Jesus gave us the parable of the persistent widow. I trust in Him because He is trustworthy.

Happy Thanksgiving! We have our son so our day will be full of thanks.

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I Love Sundays

Yesterday (Sunday) all five of us sat shoulder to shoulder at our church. What a great day! When our pastor welcomed Andrew back to church after such a long absence, many stood and clapped for him. That blessed us so much. I leaned into Andrew and whispered in his ear, “People love you, baby.” Then our pastor directed his father (one of my favorite people) to anoint Andrew with oil and pray the prayer of faith (James 5:14-15).

Praise was lifted, the Word went forth, the Body of Christ loved on us and our family was blessed!

I wanted a picture of the five of us back in church together but our oldest son was ready to go and already in the van and our daughter had driven herself and had already left for home. Oh well. Some things never change! A family picture of any type is always a challenge.

Last night as bed time neared, Andrew and I were talking and I said, “Wasn’t it great to be in church this morning?”

His reply: “I was excited!” And then he added, “I enjoyed Pastor Randy’s message.”

The message was the first in a new series our pastor is preaching entitled, All Things Have Become New from 2nd Corinthians 5:17.

What a fitting theme for our family. ALL things have become new, indeed!

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