All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible. ~ William Faulkner

I no longer choose a scripture or a single word for the New Year. The last time I had one of those one word themes was 2009. Based on “my word,” I thought the year was going to be a great one and instead it was a year of heartbreak.

I have been thinking lately about setting some goals for 2012 and so I made a list of goals for consideration:
* Sleep more.
* Play tennis more.
* Go to the beach more.
* Read more.
* Give more.
* Listen more. /Talk less.

Notice the vague and immeasurable quality of the goals. I figure I’ll just know if I am meeting them. I’ll just feel it without a need to document, list or journal it.

If I could make a personal change for 2012 it would be in my feelings.

I would like to feel that whatever I am and whatever I do is enough.

Sometimes I feel so lazy. I have concluded that many times I start something new simply to prove my inner opinion of myself wrong.

 “See, you are not lazy. Look what you have accomplished.”

For most of my life I have wanted to be successful at something that would bring me that sense of accomplishment that I crave.

Do something.

Be somebody.

Dream big.

Reach high.

Work hard.

I am constantly burdened by the thought that I am living beneath my potential.

Can I be accepting of myself if my performance of anything is a 6 or 7 on a 1 – 10 scale?  What if it’s only a “5”? That would make it AVERAGE! I’ve never wanted to be average at anything. I cringe at being considered “average.”

Every time I speak or teach, I grade myself the next day. I only recently realized I do this. Most of the grades I give myself are in the B range. Occasionally I rate a B+.

In my world in which I so admire the “A students,” can I be okay with myself if I’m a “B”? And *gasp* sometimes a “C”? What if I never push myself hard enough to be like the achieving, hard working people I admire? Can I live well with that or will I just end up bitter and resentful that I didn’t work a little harder, discipline myself a little more and go for the gold?

I really don’t know. I’ve been in a place of introspection lately. Truth be told, I live in that place. That’s a part of my personality. But lately…lately I’m tired of it.

I just want to feel like whatever I am and whatever I’m doing…is enough. Whether I ever fulfill those dreams, reach higher or work harder, I just want to feel like I’m enough.

Just plain ol’ me. “Naked” with no cover, no pretense and no great accomplishments.

I think maybe this is something that must be settled in my heart before it moves to my head.

What do you think? Do you deal with this issue? Or am I standing here alone and naked in the spotlight?